


Welcome To My Hell I’ve Got a Mattress (some blankets so you can rest your head)

by becarefulcontentspriceless



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers Needs a Hug, Alex carries the weight of the world on her shoulders, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eliza Danvers' A+ Parenting, Established Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, F/F, Hurt Alex Danvers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Maggie tries to get her to put it down, kara is the oblivious optimist who just wants everyone to be happy, lena lowkey knows wassup, maggie wants to help but alex just can't, panic attacks in the bathroom, uncovered trauma, welcome to the abusive moms club huh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becarefulcontentspriceless/pseuds/becarefulcontentspriceless
Summary: "It wasn’t abuse. It wasn’t. No, you needed to learn how to be a good daughter, and after Kara arrived, a good sister. And after that, it became a deserving punishment because it was your fault you never get to see your father again, and Kara lost yet again another family member so soon, your fault your mother’s so angry. Your fault for this hurricane in your head."Alex has a shitload of trauma to go through. Thanksgiving has a way of bringing it all up and there's no way Maggie isn't going to notice.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Eliza Danvers, Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 29
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Sorority Noise (my favourite band)

Misery loves company but maybe your misery loves, more than it loves company. 

You shake your head every time Maggie brings up her being outed, the ghosts of her father's fist on her lips, hides your wince of the phantom pain of your mother’s palm across your face, willing the memory into a gentle caress instead of another failed attempt at being a daughter. 

You sympathize, offering everything from kind words to a cuddle filled with warm blankets and hot chocolate with that special almond milk but never, ever, the comfort of a shared experience because it wasn’t abuse. It wasn’t. No, you needed to learn how to be a good daughter, and after Kara arrived, a good sister. And after that, it became a deserving punishment because it was your fault you never get to see your father again, and Kara lost yet again another family member so soon, your fault your mother’s so angry. Your fault for this hurricane in your head. She hasn’t laid a hand on you in years and you credit your being a bad ass soldier but you know the moment you're in the same room you turn back into that 13 year old girl desperate for someone to understand. But you can't blame her, you've been seething with anger since you’ve learned what anger was (or was it when you learned what you’re mother's anger was?) and god forbid Kara got any hate thrown her way. No, if your mother made anything clear it was to protect Kara. And nothing taught you that lesson better than black eyes, secret bruises, but nothing more than the carefully crafted words out of the mouth of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. How “Kara was in danger yet again” and “Haven’t I taught you enough Alexandra?” But it wasn’t abuse, no.

Maggie got kicked out of her house!

You got a roof over your head and maybe you got sent to your room without dinner but your self loathing had kicked it then anyway and not eating was just another way to spite whatever god you stopped praying to for making you live. But you wouldn’t leave, couldn't leave. Not when Kara was your number one priority. So you grit your teeth and signed up for boxing at the local gym to explain away the bruises, thanking god for Kara's love for humanity to not expose her super strength on an untimely hit. But. It’s almost thanksgiving and you’ve never had anyone like Maggie love you before and there’s no way you’ll be able to hide this from her and you just got a handle on your drinking and, your favourite thanksgiving outfit was a drunken stupor and you just can’t handle Maggie's concerned faces, you can’t. Because you know you don’t deserve it and you know you’ve been hiding the truth from her and she’s absolutely going to leave you when she finds out. And after all the cuddles she has to give you after one lousy phone call with your mother, you know you won’t leave this one unscathed.

You always explain away the increased heart rate to Kara as the effects of the alcohol- just another thing you’ve picked up from mother dearest besides your quick temper and a desire to fix everything with your fists.

But this was all before Maggie. Soft, sweet, bad ass, dimpled, “I'm a detective, Danvers, I detect” Maggie who makes your heart melt every time she smiles and makes you wanna be a better person and strip down to your soul with every removal of clothing but you can’t be responsible for Kara losing yet another family member, you can’t. The sting of Astra still lingers in her eyes and you vowed to never be the person who puts it there again and you know without a doubt that you would rather die than break that vow. So your mouth stays closed and you resign yourself to being the best fucking actress this thanksgiving has ever seen, praying to every god you’ve never believed in for an alien attack to take you out of commission. But god’s never been on your side. You wonder if it’s because you only seem to remember her in desperate situations or under Maggie’s tongue but you know this time you’re on your own. 

The countdown begins with Kara's bubbly excitement and Maggie’s soft nervousness to celebrate holidays with a family again. Kara reminds you over the phone not to forget the wine 

(they trust you too much with alcohol, but since the first taste you had at fourteen, your father’s love and your mother’s attempt to love you swirling away at the bottom of a whiskey bottle you nicked from your mother’s bedroom after a bender gave you your first taste of control- well that heady cocktail was not something you were quick to forget)

and you listen to her rant about Miss Grant (you have a serious bone to pick with that woman but Kara insists she loves her job so you leave it alone for now. Deep down you know there’s a crush underneath those pastel shirts and you know it’s just another thing for your mother to blame your for)

“Yeah, I may have super strength but her words, Alex, the pen is mightier than the sword!”

You let out a snort thinking that they both pack a punch but you don’t want to start that train of thoughts too early today so you let her go with a promise not to be late tomorrow. Maggie squirrels up behind you with an arm around your waist as if she could tell the storm brewing. You take in her smell as if committing it to memory. You know this may be the last night you have with her. So you lead her to bed and try not to make every kiss feel like a goodbye. All you do is ruin things after all.


	2. Thanksgiving Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Eliza. Enter anxiety. Enter Alex slowly losing it.

You haven’t touched a bottle in weeks. Maggie has been the most compassionate supporter since you made the decision to try to get more control of your life (real control this time) but you know without a doubt that you’re going to relapse today. She was with you when you donated your alcohol to your friends but she doesn't know about the trick cupboard underneath the sink. You've been saving that one for emergencies and you definitely think Eliza counts as an emergency. 

You woke up at dawn despite only having a few hours of sleep last night and you can’t seem to stop the trembling you feel inside your skin. You wonder if it’s visible on the outside but you’ve got bigger concerns this morning. You can’t seem to get a single thought straight and Maggie’s in the shower singing your favourite song and you know without a doubt that you don’t deserve her love. You don’t deserve her comfort and you haven’t had these types of thoughts since Maggie found her way in your heart but it seems you’re relapsing in every way today. 

Eliza eclipses every good thing in your life, and you wonder if you were just made for darkness, that even your dad couldn’t find his way back to you.

You wonder how anyone could even see you, why anyone would even want to.

Maggie comes into the room silently, she’s been cautious around you for a couple days now as if she knows something’s up, traces a hand across your shoulders and asks if you want some tea. You say yes as if that’s going to help. The cavalry’s coming in a couple minutes and you feel seconds away from a panic attack. Your vision is swirling and you can’t tell your way out of a flashback when you were seventeen and told your mom you weren’t going to a university near home to look out for Kara and your mom took that as an invitation to slap you across the face, this time catapulting you into the nearest wall. You took a couple minutes to find your bearing then, the same way you do now and Maggie’s voice seeps in through the smoke, calling your name, blurry face in front of yours. You can feel your chest heaving and try to recall the breathing measures she taught you last time you had a panic attack. Your lungs feel on fire and it almost feels like your throat after a swig of that amber liquid, but does nothing to make you feel better. At least the burn from the alcohol gave you something to focus on.

Suddenly, through the haze, you hear something distinctly clear. The knocking on the door.

You take off for the bathroom without even realizing it, head already in the toilet before you even know you’re throwing up. You feel Maggie’s hand on you back, the other holding back your hair. You know without a doubt you’re not surviving this day intact. Or worse, without a long overdue conversation with Maggie. You hear Kara using her key to open the door, announcing her presence, confused as to why you didn’t answer. 

You suppress a groan, and try not to let her super senses catch on to what was happening. You feel Maggie’s gaze on you rather than see it. 

“Danvers, what the hell is going on? This isn’t ordinary gay panic. That was a full blown panic attack. You’ve been off all week and I can tell it has something to do with this thanksgiving. Talk to me.”

You swallow, eyes pleading at her to drop it.

“Please, I’ll tell you after, I just, I need you by my side today. I’m okay, I promise”

You can tell she doesn’t believe you but the desperation on your face must have shown through and she reluctantly agrees. 

“It’s just,” you pause trying to find the right words, “issues with my mom, you know, ordinary stuff.”

She raises an eyebrow as if to say ‘ordinary stuff doesn’t equal a panic attack, Danvers’ but she acquiesces for now.

You follow Maggie out the bathroom and try to make it seem like you lost track of time. With your hair all mussed up and your face red, it doesn’t seem all that unbelievable. You zero in on Kara and catch sight of her hand in Lena’s. Maggie follows your gaze and leans in to whisper “She really does have a type for powerful women huh.”

All you could see is just another thing for your mom to blame you for.

The group naturally moves to the kitchen as you hug each other and you slip in front to avoid greeting your mom but you can feel her eyes on the back of your head and you consider sending up a prayer for your phone to ring right this second. It doesn’t.

You know not to waste your prayers anyway. You know you’re running on borrowed time. 

Eliza takes charge, dishing out kitchen duties to everyone and you get tasked with setting the table. You know it’s because she doesn't trust you with the food but you thank god for small mercies. Just as you’re setting the first plate down on the table, Kara grabs your elbow and pulls you to the side, “are you ok? I know I didn’t tell you about Lena before but I wanted it to be a surprise, you haven’t said much since we arrived.”

Ever since your own coming out you always figured Kara was at least bi so you shake your head and tell her that Lena isn’t a problem, you’re still kinda shook that it was her but you know there’s nothing you would be angry with Kara for. There’s no way Lena’s escaping the shovel talk though. You’re still every bit wary of her intentions with your baby sister. Kara laughs and tells you that you have nothing to worry about but she knows that it’s a lost cause. You agree not to ambush Lena today and walk back into the kitchen to collect the glasses almost forgetting who was in there. Eliza pulls you into a hug exclaiming that she hasn’t seen you in so long and you tense up so tightly you wonder if you don't feel like a brick wall in her arms. You see Lena in the corner of your eye, tilting her head with a curious expression on her face and quickly pull out of your mom’s grasp. 

Your anxiety has you so tightly wound you feel the trembling come back with a vengeance. You hear your mother in the background talking about how you’re always so busy with work but you know you either have to get out of that room or get a bottle in your hands so you throw up some excuse, without even knowing what words your mouth is making and step back turning towards the direction of the bathroom.

You feel a hand pulling you back and you flinch so violently you almost bite your tongue. Lena hadn’t said a word since you walked into the room but now she throws a sharp look in your direction and hesitantly opens her mouth. You really don’t want to stick around for what she’s going to say and you take off out of the room without another word.

You can feel the panic attack coming back on and if that’s the reaction you get from your mother touching your arm you wonder how the hell you're going to make it through the rest of the day. It was only a miracle Maggie wasn’t there to witness that absolute disaster and you sink to the bathroom floor wondering what the hell you're going to do. All you want to do is punch something and you know without a doubt you want that something to be yourself. You clench your fists so tight it goes numb and breathe until you can hear over the sound of the roaring in your ears.

You quietly slip out the door and catch Maggie as she’s coming through the front door with last minute grocery supplies. You instantly relax a bit as you lay eyes on her but you’re still on Agent Danvers mode and you know that won’t go away until the danger is gone. You hold your hands behind your back so as not to draw attention to its shaking and allow her to kiss you on your cheek. You see Lena and Kara on the couch, heads bent together in quiet discussion. You wonder if Lena’s mentioning what you saw in the kitchen and you’re pondering the pros and cons of joining them or Maggie and your mom in the kitchen. Your feet move you towards the couch and you grab some m&ms you had lying around to try to stop the urge to drink. You feel too nauseous to even eat right now but you put one in your mouth anyway and roll it around, absorbing the sweetness. It still can’t get the bitter taste out of your mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been over a month. Big Yikes. I'm starting university! I took a gap year before this so I'm gonna be busier than i have been in a long time. I'm looking to finish this fic soon but it's my first so it's my baby ya know, I wanna do it right. Anyways, thanks for reading and let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please comment and let me know what you think!


End file.
